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Week 1, post-investigation
[A little later, once the news has had time to settle (and Ichigo has had time to speak with other people), he purposefully leads Akira to a private area to talk.]
...So. About tomorrow's trial...
[He rubs the back of his neck, sighing softly before continuing - this is something that he thinks Akira won't really want to hear, but...It has to be said, before anything else.]
...It might be better if we don't go after people that hard. Like last trial, I mean.
...So. About tomorrow's trial...
[He rubs the back of his neck, sighing softly before continuing - this is something that he thinks Akira won't really want to hear, but...It has to be said, before anything else.]
...It might be better if we don't go after people that hard. Like last trial, I mean.
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What? . . . why?
[his tone isn't suspicious, but it is gently encouraging. explain yourself, partner]
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...Because if we're always on the attack and outing the Murderers, we'll become pretty big targets.
[Truth be told, he wouldn't worry about this if it was just his own life - but he has Akira to think of, and he knows he was someone who was trying to figure out the last case every step of the way.]
I'm not saying we shouldn't help - but showing off that we're smart enough to not let them get away with murder all the time is a bad idea.
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[it isn't like him to sit back and watch. it never has been]
I know what you're saying, and I agree. We don't want to make ourselves targets.
[but I'm not afraid, he wants to say. if it were just his own life, he might've said it anyway. but it's not-- it's Ichigo's too]
But I'm not going to sit back and let everyone else do all the hard work if I can help, either.
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He sighs, scratching at the back of his head again.]
I know. I'm not asking for you to not help, or anything like that. Hell, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to.
[But...they may have to, just to survive. The moment one of them dies...]
But I just...I mean, this time we can save everyone who's lost or going to lose their partner. But what about next week? Or the week after that?
There's no way in hell they'll let us claim another pin as a boon - maybe after a few weeks have passed, but not one after the other. Eventually, we're going to run into a situation where people will die when their partners do.
[But there's something striking about this - Ichigo is talking more about the partners left behind, rather than keeping themselves safe - and with how he's acted before...
...it's obvious he's talking in the situation he dies and Akira is left in the lurch.]
I know it's not something you want to do, but....Just think of it like being back in school with the Faculty breathing down your neck, or... something like that, anyway.
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[Ichigo doesn't mean for it to be. Akira doesn't blame him for it, either. they haven't really had time to talk about what their lives back home were like. every conversation was about their deaths, or the game ahead of them, or their strategies for survival and promises of a partnership in which they worked together]
[he swallows thickly, because for a brief moment, he's just Akira Kurusu again. a rowdy kid who got himself arrested, sent off to an unfamiliar city to an unfamiliar school with people who hated him, just by doing what he felt was right]
[there is no "Joker" here, is there?]
[he can read between the lines of Ichigo's words, too. knows exactly what he's getting at when he talks about a situation where people will die when their partners do. and funnily enough? all Akira can think is. . .]
[I can't die. I have to make it through this-- for you]
. . .
Sometimes-- [he eventually breathes out, but there's a touch of bitterness on his tongue] -- survival feels really shitty.
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[He sees the entirety of Akira's reaction, the way his eyes widen slightly and how he swallows like there's something stuck in his throat, the bitterness in his voice.
He understands it, more than he can say, in so many different ways. Ichigo hasn't 'just' been Ichigo Kurosaki for a while - because he'd been someone who could see ghosts, a shinigami, and right before his death, the Soul King - but he remembers the days he was just a student, a boy with bright hair and an assumed thug, for things he couldn't control and because he wasn't the kind of person to just let something bad happen to helpless people in front of him.
Those were simpler times.
If only he could go back to them.
So he closes his eyes, lets out his own breath - and when he answers, it's clear but tempered with old pain.]
But you have to keep surviving.
...Even when you didn't do anything to deserve the shit you're getting.
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[those are the words of someone who understands. and that's why Akira says what he says next. that's why he pulls his masks down, just a little bit, for someone he has only known for not even two weeks]
Yeah. You do. Whether it's by following the rules you're given by people who would rather grind their heel into your face, or. . . keeping your head down so you don't get yourself picked off in a game like this one.
[his eyes slip shut]
You still have to keep surviving.
But only until you can find your footing to fight back. Right?
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...Akira never seemed the type to have to go through that, but...he doesn't know Akira's life, or the world he came from. So maybe...]
...Yeah.
[In the past, he would have said that defiantly, spirit and fire in his eyes. But now? Now he looks away, his voice unsure.]
Keeping your head down turns into something you get too good at, until...You're not sure how to lift it again.
But...you have to try, anyway. Otherwise, you won't ever win or lose - you'll just survive.
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[at some point, this became about something more than the trial, didn't it? and that defeated expression. . . it doesn't sit well with Akira at all. Ichigo doesn't wear it well; it looks foreign on his features, like someone glued a mask haphazardly to his face. and Akira feels. . . he feels like there's some kind of fire there that needs to be reignited]
[so hand him a goddamn match]
You don't strike me as the kind of guy who would be content hanging his head for the rest of his life.
Am I wrong?
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For someone to see past him like that, especially for someone he's only just gotten to know? It's shocking, and also...a little frightening. Frightening because even if he can't remember, He feels like Akira is treading down paths people close to him once walked, and that...
Thatis dangerous. That means that this could all end the same again, and Ichigo will be the one who survives even when he doesn't want to, with nothing but tears and regret at his side.
So he draws back, as if he's been burned - not physically, but emotionally, trying to throw up his barriers again before they're broken through and he feels emotions that will only lead to pain in the future.]
I - I don't know.
It's not like I'm alive anymore, anyway. And I don't know if I have the strength to keep raising my head to just be stomped down again, over and over.
[...]
But, I...I don't want to - I don't want to just...Survive.
[Yet, he can't see any alternatives.]
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[a little support. a little guidance. someone to lean on. isn't that what Akira does best?]
Then don't just survive.
Win.
[yeah I'm having him say that on purpose oocly even if he doesn't know it's something Ichigo said icly]
And if you're too tired to raise your head on your own, don't be afraid to ask someone to help you.
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The words tumble out of Ichigo before he can stop himself, as if it was something half-remembered from a dream.]
'...Fighting for its own sake is meaningless. Living for its own sake is meaningless.
...I want to win.'
[He pauses, staring down at his hands - seeing the sword callouses still in his palms, eyes searching for something that isn't there anymore, but might still be in the recesses of his soul.]
I said that, once. To Zangetsu. It feels - like it was years ago, but...
[He lowers his hands, looking up at Akira - a complicated expression of doubt, traces of guilt and fear, and that tiredness, but...there's also hope there, as small and quiet as it is.]
...I...I'l keep it in mind. Asking, I mean.
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[Akira can't explain how important even that one flicker of hope is to him. how much it relieves him to see the light slowly return to Ichigo's eyes. they still haven't known each other for long and yeah, sure, Akira doesn't know what Ichigo was like before they died and were brought to this dreadful Shibuya]
[but it feels so much more right than that defeated depression. he grins]
That's good enough for me.
[and it is. he can't force Ichigo to ask if he doesn't want to. but he'll be here, if Ichigo ever needs something. that's absolutely what having a Confidant is about]
But for now, tomorrow-- for the sake of both of us surviving-- . . . I'll be careful.
[he's going to speak up and help, but]
[he won't do anything reckless]
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And in the future, he'll do his best to do by it - but fail at the last minute, piping up because he couldn't ignore the truth in front of him.
But for now, he nods, still looking at tired but faintly hopeful as he feels, letting out a soft sigh.]
Alright. Thank you, Akira.
[...]
I...I think I'm going to go and get some rest. For tomorrow, I mean. You should, too.
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[and to punctuate that, he holds out a fist, fingers curled, knuckles bared. brofist!!]
Getting some rest is a good idea. Tomorrow's going to be a very long day.
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They've done it. The have accomplished the vaunted brofist.]
Yeah.
Night, Akira.
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Nah. Not yet. I'll come find you when we're both ready to hit the sack.
[they don't share a room now that the Last Resort is gone, but. . .]
I'll keep you company before we go to sleep.
[for some reason, he feels like it wouldn't behoove either of them to be alone right now]
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[He gives a lopsided grin, clearly not too tired to tease.]
'Keep me company, huh.' You know, if I was a girl, I'd probably be calling you a pervert right about now.
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[ICHIGO. . .]
[but it's good to see him tease, especially since their conversation was too heavy. and Akira doesn't bother suppressing a soft, amused snort]
I don't see why you'd have to be a girl to say that. [#functionalbisexual] But my intentions are pure. I promise.
1/???
For a moment he was about to shoot back a snarky comment, but - something about that makes him stop.]
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Oh.
Oh.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh]
Done
A-Anyway, just stating your intentions doesn't just make them pure! So I'm not so sure I should trust you.
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Well, if you're that wary of my intentions, I suppose I could always sleep on a park bench.
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[That is instant, despite his previous teasing bluster.
After a moment, he sighs - oh so dramatically - and smiles, waving a hand in the air.]
Fine, Fine. I guess I'll trust you for now. My place is pretty boring though, unless you like shadow people.
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[I mean, like]
[they are surrounded]
[by shadow people]
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[He laughs.]
But seriously, are you alright with heading back in the Ikea? After, uh...what happened earlier this week.
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[honestly, as concerned as he had been for Monika and the others, Akira ain't afraid of the Ikea]
As long as we don't venture too far in, it's fine. I go there for lunch, anyway.
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[Though that does bring up some other complaints he has, like-]
Though, I'm really starting to miss rice. I don't think I've ever gone two weeks without rice in at least one meal before.
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[priorities]
. . . hm. Now that you mention it, though, I kind of miss rice, too.